Comments on: Go to bed eyes: re-draughts and diary blog. http://myplaceoryours.org.uk/byron-vincent/go-to-bed-eyes-re-draughts-and-diary-blog/ My Place or Yours is a new kind of writer residency across five regions of England, in real and virtual spaces, exploring the theme of place. Take a moment to wander round and make it your place. We’d love to hear from you. Tue, 07 Feb 2012 18:20:44 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Byron Vincent http://myplaceoryours.org.uk/byron-vincent/go-to-bed-eyes-re-draughts-and-diary-blog/comment-page-1/#comment-1985 Byron Vincent Tue, 26 May 2009 22:36:05 +0000 http://myplaceoryours.org.uk/?p=989#comment-1985 Big Tone (can I start calling you that it makes us sound like abolition era gangsters). As always, your suggestions are bang on the money. I did consider the potential of audience participation but this is already a looooooooong poem. I don’t know if you agree but I reckon that kind of thing is best left to slam type poems? If you start asking audiences to get involved at some of the dryer literary festivals they look at you like you’ve just shat in their slippers. To be honest I don’t blame them, I’m as reserved and awkward as the next person, as soon as a performer starts asking me to join in I have I minor panic attack. My heartbeat races and I start getting flustered. All that angst can turn into resentment. I don’t think it’s an endearing enough piece to get people relaxed enough to want to participate. Maybe I’m just being soft though. Cheers for the synthtastic new romantic linkylink. Looking forward to catching up at the weekend. Seesoon :-) Big Tone (can I start calling you that it makes us sound like abolition era gangsters).
As always, your suggestions are bang on the money. I did consider the potential of audience participation but this is already a looooooooong poem. I don’t know if you agree but I reckon that kind of thing is best left to slam type poems? If you start asking audiences to get involved at some of the dryer literary festivals they look at you like you’ve just shat in their slippers. To be honest I don’t blame them, I’m as reserved and awkward as the next person, as soon as a performer starts asking me to join in I have I minor panic attack. My heartbeat races and I start getting flustered. All that angst can turn into resentment. I don’t think it’s an endearing enough piece to get people relaxed enough to want to participate. Maybe I’m just being soft though.

Cheers for the synthtastic new romantic linkylink.
Looking forward to catching up at the weekend.

Seesoon :-)

]]> By: Tony Walsh http://myplaceoryours.org.uk/byron-vincent/go-to-bed-eyes-re-draughts-and-diary-blog/comment-page-1/#comment-1976 Tony Walsh Sat, 23 May 2009 23:54:10 +0000 http://myplaceoryours.org.uk/?p=989#comment-1976 Jeepers creepers mate, them's poorly peepers! (Come to bed eyes? Go to bed eyes? My missus often looks at me with Make The Bed eyes!) Well done with this Byron, whilst you've left him as this boiling frog you've found more of the empathy you were looking for by showing that he is conscious of his predicament and allows himself flashes of insight and beauty etc. The piece has a nicely circular emotional arc, rising to the hope in the new passage then dropping back down (with a Schllupppp) to the boiling frog line. A further impressive bulge to your ever swelling pantheon, mate. Scoring: a 9.9....a 9.9....and a 10! Result! Which renders redundant the following, excuse the intrusion again, but for what it's worth, and in the spirit of threads on here about revealing how our respective writers' brains work.... As a sometime slammer and a oft-time purveyor of both cheese and ham, I'm sometimes drawn to big, communal endings . So the "I'm Spartacus" - everyone joins in - "I'm Spartacus, I'm Spartacus" ending from the film is one that I'd find hard to resist referencing for the poem. (I suspect you'll have jokers shouting out "I'm Spartacus" during the piece on occasions). I also suspect that you'll have thought about this and rejected it - we touched on it in an earlier exchange. Listening to the piece again, my personal instinct would be to experiment with going on from where you end, in the same rhyme scheme, with a few lines maybe with the repeated refrain "But just once I'd like to......" Just once I'd like to....." stuff about breaking free from the daily crap, y'know, things we'd all like to do. Ok, maybe realistically pierce his hopes in the penultimate line but leave him, and all of us some hope. Maybe something like - "I maybe a Schlup" - then final line - " but I'm Spartacus!" with at least one mate in the audience shamelessly primed to shout "I'm Spartacus" so that others join in - which could be funny, touching and powerful if the right note was struck. Message - he is all of us, but maybe, in solidarity, we've all got a chance of breaking free of our vacuous existence. Scoring: a 6.4..... a 6.9..... and a ....7.2. Taxi for Walsh! ** Exits hurriedly, stage left, to music with vague "Boiled" reference http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNrnmDmffRc ** Jeepers creepers mate, them’s poorly peepers! (Come to bed eyes? Go to bed eyes? My missus often looks at me with Make The Bed eyes!)

Well done with this Byron, whilst you’ve left him as this boiling frog you’ve found more of the empathy you were looking for by showing that he is conscious of his predicament and allows himself flashes of insight and beauty etc. The piece has a nicely circular emotional arc, rising to the hope in the new passage then dropping back down (with a Schllupppp) to the boiling frog line. A further impressive bulge to your ever swelling pantheon, mate. Scoring: a 9.9….a 9.9….and a 10! Result!

Which renders redundant the following, excuse the intrusion again, but for what it’s worth, and in the spirit of threads on here about revealing how our respective writers’ brains work….

As a sometime slammer and a oft-time purveyor of both cheese and ham, I’m sometimes drawn to big, communal endings . So the “I’m Spartacus” – everyone joins in – “I’m Spartacus, I’m Spartacus” ending from the film is one that I’d find hard to resist referencing for the poem. (I suspect you’ll have jokers shouting out “I’m Spartacus” during the piece on occasions). I also suspect that you’ll have thought about this and rejected it – we touched on it in an earlier exchange.

Listening to the piece again, my personal instinct would be to experiment with going on from where you end, in the same rhyme scheme, with a few lines maybe with the repeated refrain “But just once I’d like to……” Just once I’d like to…..” stuff about breaking free from the daily crap, y’know, things we’d all like to do. Ok, maybe realistically pierce his hopes in the penultimate line but leave him, and all of us some hope. Maybe something like – “I maybe a Schlup” – then final line – ” but I’m Spartacus!” with at least one mate in the audience shamelessly primed to shout “I’m Spartacus” so that others join in – which could be funny, touching and powerful if the right note was struck. Message – he is all of us, but maybe, in solidarity, we’ve all got a chance of breaking free of our vacuous existence.

Scoring: a 6.4….. a 6.9….. and a ….7.2. Taxi for Walsh!

** Exits hurriedly, stage left, to music with vague “Boiled” reference http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNrnmDmffRc **

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