1. 
   Bernardine Evaristo
   July 16th, 2009
   

   Hi Charlie,

   You might think, bloody cheek! But I wanted to comment on this poem and the easiest way to do it is to make cuts and suggestions. If I was editing this poem, this is what I would do with it. Why? Because there is a really succinct, lovely poem here that perfectly sums up the complexities of early sexual experiences but there is also overwriting which obscures the gem within. So have a look and just think – What if it were to read like this?
   If this is intended as a performance poem, then there IS something in the length and spacing of the poem that would work as such.
   The rigours of poetry otherwise, however, would, I think, demand more concision. Look at C A Duffy and see how she compresses ideas into powerful poems that can be quite short. With poetry, less is often more.
   The bits in brackets are where lines could come out, possibly?)

   I folded my home made dress

   (onto the floor)

   and slipped into his bed.

   He walked out of the bathroom

   naked and wearing a condom. (Love this line)

   Said he wanted to see me,

   as I hid under the sheet;

   too nervous to show a nipple

   too shy to look at his.

   We were friends,

   now strangers. (Great)

   (But it was time
   or so I thought) Optional???

   He knew what he was doing,

   while I tried not to move or make a sound,

   like it was no big deal –

   just something I had to do

   to become a woman. (Do you have to spell this out? Maybe)

   I knew what went where,

   and it did, just.

   But I was surprised

   his balls stayed outside. (Fab)

   (They seemed in the way;

   or so I thought.)
   What if you end on balls stayed outside?

   ‘Is that it?’

   as I searched the ceiling

   to avoid seeing skin.

   ‘why all the fuss?’

   Three years later,

   and Robert would show me…

   how to stand naked on a table

   in Finsbury Park.

   (So, just some things to look at. The poem is, of course, yours, and these are just some of the things I’d look at. Poetry is very individual, though, and you might be happy with the longer version. Have you read Selima Hill’s Bunny or Lou Lou. Fantastic poems that are so unbelievably pithy. Have a look at how she says so much with so few words. I can see that your pared-down poetry has this ability too.

   Reply

2. 
   Bernardine Evaristo
   July 16th, 2009
   

   Gaps between verses have come out all f*cked up.
   I didn’t alter it deliberately.

   Reply

3. 
   Charlie
   July 17th, 2009
   

   Thanks for taking the time to do this – it’s really useful to see another perspective on a piece. I do write for performance, and I definitely do have a habit of overwriting! I totally understand why you bracketed certain lines, and as it’s been a while since I wrote it I can now see it more clearly. I agree the rhetoric ‘or so I thought’ bits get cloying, and ditto the ‘becoming a woman’ etc, amongst other things. I appreciate your eye and ear on it, and it would be good for me to write out a concise written version of it as well, in contrast to the performance draft. You should hear the voicemail messages I leave on friend’s phones…. boy do they need editing?!
   On the tall thing, it is intriguing how people have perceptions of our height based on photos, or in my case – years working in radio. Because my voice is warm people always expect me to be quite short and with voluptuous curves and don’t expect a 6 ft ironing board:)

   Reply

4. 
   Bernardine Evaristo
   July 21st, 2009
   

   HI Charlie,
   Thanks for being receptive to my comments. It’s been good chatting to you. If ever you see me out and about come up and say hi. I’ll also look out for any of your performances. My guest blogger period is over now. I’ll see if I can find you on Facebook or you can find me easily, if there’s more than one of you, so to speak!

   Reply

5. 
   Charlie
   July 21st, 2009
   

   Been good to talk to you too, and you’ve really helped clarify for me the distinctions between written and performance pieces – I really enjoyed reading your place pieces, and that sounded like such an interesting project. I’ve got one of your verse novels on my ‘to read’ list, and that will be a whole new experience. Next time I’m tempted to acknowledge the luxury of ‘writers block’ when aiming at a short poem, I’ll feel like it’s a walk in the park next to your marathon of a whole novel!
   One day soon I will do the whole facebook thing, my friends have nagged me for ever on this one…. and I’ll look out for you at gigs etc, and say hello:) Thanks for some great blogs that have really kept up the pace and energy here on MPOY. Inspired writing to you on your double desk:) x

   Reply

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