Fear and fronting it out

Charlie Jordan
Sunday, June 14th, 2009

Like Sarah Butler, I was at Litup in Kendal and loved the opening talk by Helen from Artichoke, the woman behind the giant elephant that brought London to a far more joyful standstill than any tube strike has managed:) To add to Sarah’s great post about using huge public spaces for art and the creativity of putting poems in butcher’s shop windows or flying from planes etc.  Helen also spoke of sometimes being absolutely full of fear at the enormity of any project big or small. She referenced a gig for 35 people in a bishop’s kitchen as essentially the same as a 5 year project like the London elephant….and that often you will be terrified that you don’t know what you’re doing, or that something may not come off etc. and that’s ok, but you just have to carry on and front it out basically!

I think that’s so true for producers and directors, but also for us writers isn’t it? Sometimes you’ll say yes to an opportunity or try and talk yourself up for a project, then later on with a blank page and the deadline looming wonder if you’ve been smoking crack in order to have put yourself in certain situations that then terrify you:)

I know I doubt myself like this all the time, and worry I’m not good enough and why would anyone want to read a word I’ve written anyway etc. I have far more confidence in other’s work than my own, but perhaps that’s a good humble thing and only narcissistic arrogant sociopaths have total confidence in themselves. What do you think? Dare you own up to being confident, like my American friends seem to be naturally?!

In radio we have something called ‘Snoop’ sessions, where your boss will play back chunks of your show and basically ask why you said certain things in a certain way and dissect every word of a link and make you feel excruciating embarrassment as you have to listen to your own voice and justify your every word. It feels like being a turtle and having your shell peeled off. I think.

A few years ago when I was at LBC in London, Sandy Toksvig had a brilliant daily show and had a clause put in her contract that she would never do one of these ’snoop’ sessions as it would be too hideous a prospect! I don’t blame her, and it just goes to show how we can all be sensitive like this with our work, and perhaps you’ve had this when you’ve gone through your poems with a trusted fellow writer or mentor?

Jo Bell always hits the nail spot on and will detect a line that you’ve shoe horned in where it has no right to be there, but you were desperately trying to find it a good home as it’s been sitting in your notebook for months…. and it’s when you hear yourself trying to justify it’s existence that you realise you now hate that line totally and can’t wait to cleanse your page of it:) But Jo does it in an encouraging way, so I never feel threatened or nervous, yet:)

In one of the seminars at Litup, Geraldine from Apples and Snakes, (Yay!) talked of how this poetry stuff is a process or journey, (to make myself sound like an X factor contestant…. and she was far more eloquent ofcourse)

That resonated with me though, as she spoke of having been in dialogue and working with some artists for up to 10 years now, and how it does take time to hone your craft. When I think of some of the poets and performers I’ve watched for a few years now, I can see their progress and know it does take time for all of us to stretch and grow into what we’re doing.

Being part of this project feels like a huge learning curve, and I’m gaining so much from my fellow artists here who are supertalented and far more advanced than me despite being years younger than me! Being exposed to other writers and their abilities, ideas and experiences does enhance the mentors work and we’re lucky to be supported by such talented and kind people here. They can blush, as they are worthy of praise – like  Naomi, who’s looking after the WBA bit here, as she’s offered to let me share her tent for the Big Chill festival – my first camping ever! how brave is she? she has no idea how loud I snore or how much lavender oil I’ll be splashing everywhere to try and get to sleep at night as a bit of an insomniac…. and when she hears my ‘ocean sounds’ machine kick in, she’ll think we’re about to be carried away on a tsunami…….

Anyway, I’m off to WBA to see the pitch all dug up on tuesday, by which time they also won’t have a manager…so interesting times…..

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ABOUT THIS AUTHOR


Charlie Jordan
Charlie is a radio presenter and poet, and the same height as Michelle Obama. 6 foot doesn't sound so tall now:)

  1. Sarah Butler
    June 15th, 2009

    Hi Charlie
    I absolutely identified with Helen’s comments about looking brave and confident while underneath you’re terrified. It pretty much describes my daily life, particularly now I am taking on more work as a writer rather than a project manager.
    For the last 2 months I’ve been working as writer-in-residence on the Central line for Art on the Underground. It’s been probably the best job I’ve ever done – but talk about terrifying! My brief was to engage with staff across the whole of the line. It was fine shooting off ideas in my interview, but when I was faced with walking into busy tube stations and introducing myself as a ‘writer’ that was a different matter altogether…
    I hatched a ridiculous plan to write a story by visiting every station on the line and working with staff to write the next paragraph of a story which travelled from West Ruislip to Epping: Consequences, basically. I visited 45 stations in 5 days. I have never been so scared. But the project was fantastic, and I gained so much in confidence just over the course of that week. I remember one member of staff who told me what he wanted to happen next in the story, I wrote it (in 5 minutes flat) and read it out to him; his eyes widened and he said: “that’s just what was in my head, only better”, and I thought, “wow, I can actually write”!
    I think taking on projects which scare the living daylights out of you is a brilliant way to stretch and challenge your writing. If we don’t take risks and try new things, we’re not going to grow….
    S
    x

    Reply


  2. Charlie Jordan
    June 15th, 2009

    Sarah, so glad it’s not just me:) I remember in a recent interview for a community writing project that I’d pitched for( …. and knew by the look on their faces within seconds of meeting me that for whatever reason I wasn’t who they were looking for!) at one point I said ‘Oh yes, I’m fearless about approaching strangers to contribute’….. while being a jibbering wreck inside.
    It reminded me of years ago when a friend of mine wrote for More magazine and she got me to do a ‘voxpop’ where I was sent to Covent Garden and had to get 10 cute guys to describe how they ‘give a girl an orgasm’….. and we had a photographer to capture the look of surprise when they were faced with the question. Oh happy days, but I think I was less nervous then and now I need to channel that ‘front’ a bit more.
    C.x

    Reply

    annamaria Reply:
    June 16th, 2009 at 9:12 am

    dear Charlie, you ARE good enough, otherwise, you would not have been asked to do this great project…believe in yourself…!!
    annamaria

    Reply


  3. annamaria
    June 16th, 2009

    being scared is propbably my best motivator, but also my best procrastining tool.|I’ll just tidy my desk before i start” or, “I’ll just fiddle with my notebooks one more time”, or “How about another coffee Anna?’ I’m six weeks behind on my Radio Play, so just doing this blog before i go into my shed (Which have been tidying for the last week) ..when i’ve got the first line down, i will be extremely excited…why is it sooooo hard to start?
    anna

    Reply

    Charlie Jordan Reply:
    June 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Bless you for your encouragement, and so glad I’m not the only procrastinator! If I had a shed I’d be constantly tidying up – although my flat’s window boxes are a disgrace…. so I could just weed them out a bit instead of revising my WBA notes:)I agree with you, that once I’m into something juicy I’m away for hours, but you’re right it’s getting those first bits plugged in that’s tricky…. good luck with the radio play:)
    x

    Reply


  4. Andy Darby
    June 16th, 2009

    Hi Charlie

    I think you are talking about a loss of naivety rather than a loss of confidence – as a younger person you can be less aware of what could go wrong or the relative importance of what you are doing at that time. Fear hasn’t set in.

    What Sarah is talking about makes me think of Dangerous Writing – Tom Spanbauer’s concept – write about the thing that scares you most. Sarah is putting herself on the line (excuse the pun), engaging with all manner of people whose interests are elsewhere to find her story and the story of that place. Can’t wait to read it.

    Reply


  5. Annamaria Murphy
    June 17th, 2009

    dear Sarah,
    what a great sounding project. when ever i’ve done projects of a similar vein, where you think “These people are going to hate me coming in as a writer trying to engage with them”, and on the day, would rather eat my own face than do it, i’ve always been pleasntly surprised, people have been delighted that someone actually wants to write their stories, as usually they are the untold stories, and you as the writer are honouring them .
    annamaria

    Reply

    Sarah Butler Reply:
    June 17th, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Hi Annamaria
    I agree completely, the people I worked with were incredibly generous, even the grumpy ones I charmed into participation (I have to admit I think being female and looking fairly young helped, which I’m not sure what I think of….). It was an interesting project, because I wasn’t asking people for ‘their stories’ in the ‘traditional’ way (is there a traditional way?!), I was asking for their imagination, for their contribution to a story that had been written by their colleagues, that didn’t feature them as individuals. But people did put themselves into it – experiences of being adopted, their perceptions of areas of London, their favourite meals etc.
    The result is a roller-coaster soap opera. It’s funny, they’re going to print the whole thing as a background image for posters on tube stations (it is the most exciting project in the world!!), and I had a bit of a Prima-Donna wobble, thinking my name’s going to be on this piece of writing created by 56 people in the most difficult and exhilirating week of my life (so far) and I’m not sure what I think about that – is it good? Not sure. The process definitely was…
    Andy – it will be online mid-late July on Art on the Underground’s website – I’ll let you know when it’s all up : )

    Reply

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