Cowley Road – Rough with notes

Jay Bernard
Sunday, May 3rd, 2009

Not that I am doing my mentor’s job, but I couldn’t resist marking out the bits I’m dissatisfied with. I’ve noticed that a lot of my rough pieces sound good, but are shoddily constructed. Look at the shoddy structure of this poem. Shoddy, shoddy. Anyway, this is more about the Cowley Road. It really happened: I was standing there minding my own business and a boy stuck his finger up at me. Well, I didn’t take it seriously and we had a right joke flipping each other off – him on the bus, me on the street. I might have taken it as a death threat in London. For whatever reason, our contempt for each other was humorous, silly but strange enough for me to remember. Not sure it warrants a full poem, though…

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ABOUT THIS AUTHOR


Jay Bernard
London writer, based on allotment in Hampstead; gently led by gardener Scarlett Cannon and Mentee of Katherine Stanton.

  1. Katherine Stanton
    May 16th, 2009

    Hi Jay
    I loved the funny exchange between you and the boy, and then the grubby shops on Cowley Road, with the grease and taste of fizz … spot-on. You’re right, they are definitely not ‘things you miss’. Small point: maybe don’t need dodgy keyboard AND sticky keys in the internet café? But then you move on to the woman (or is she a ‘girl’?) and things get pretty dark – and maybe a bit unstuck at ‘I can’t describe a woman’s life/ besides what’s spilled on to her coat’? After your mood is soured by the experience with the woman, the ending is sad, and flat. Is there some way you can keep the momentum and energy of the beginning, even if the mood is a sadder one? Maybe it is two poems, as you say.
    Katherine x

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  1. Here’s one I prepared earlier…and earlier… | My Place Or Yours

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